Modern Esquire just crossed the wrong blogger

By On December 18, 2009 · 9 Comments

dorothyfuldheimHey kids! ?Remember me? ?That’s what I thought. ?Whatever. ?You people wouldn’t know good journalism if it was sticking its tongue down your throat.

Anyway, it’s been a year and a half since I started on another hot one, and I’m almost there. ?The whole GOP vice presidential pick thing was a dead end – too bad it took me 18 months of porking every dead Cleveland media celebrity in the afterlife to find out. ?Ever go down on Barnaby for a month? ?Went through 4 sets of knee pads, a fifth of Canadian Club a day, and five bottles of Prozac.

So this morning, I’m whispering sweet nothings to Tom Brazaitis across the pillow, and he rolls over to check his iPhone. ?Yeah, that’s right – we do tech in the afterlife, what, did you think I was still using the ol’ Remington? ?Please. ?Brazaitis takes his hairy arm out from between my heaving breasts, picks up the phone, shits himself. ?Right there in the bed.

Now I’ve been around this hootenanny long enough to know what that means, so I put a vice grip on his crotch right then and there and tell him to spill it. ?Tom tells me I’m gettin’ scooped again. ?Well, son of a BITCH. ?I jump outta bed, polish off my Tom Collins, scrape Tom’s love juices off my cheeks, and head over to Eliot Ness’ place.

Why Eliot? ?Turns out the guy scoopin’ me is named “Modern Esquire”. ?Cute. ?Now I gotta deal with lawyers. ?Good thing Ness is one lawyer in the afterlife who’s already traded info for a good time.

Ness invites me in, tells me to sit down. ?I tell him cut the crap. ?He says this Modern guy’s got the story, sorry to break it to ya, sister. ?Our eyes meet. ?Next thing I know, I got Eliot Ness inside of me.

Now, this journalism queen don’t mind drowning her sorrows in an afternoon flat on her back on Eliot Ness’ mahogany desk, but I’ve got news for this two bit hack Modern.

You’re workin’ my side of the street, shitbird. ?If you scoop me on this, you got problems. ?Big problems. ?You think I wanted to get tag teamed by Bob Hope and the Van Sweringen brothers for 4 hours after the bridge club last week? ? I ain’t doin’ this for my health, I’m already dead, you fucktard.

Well, that’s enough blowin’ off steam. ?Back to the gumshoe routine. ?Ness says he heard Joel Rose has some info, all I need to do is rub some stained panties on his forehead, he’ll spill it. ?Looks like I gotta move quick!

Evangelize!
  • Print
  • email
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
Tagged with: •
 
  • Amber

    When the men of Plunderbund asked me to contribute to the blog, they also asked that I rein them in from time to time. For instance, when they've just spent too much time hanging out with other guys and they need a female voice to chime in. I thought the request was a little sexist and old-fashioned, but I humored them and really did think they were kidding.

    I like guys. And I generally like their gross sense of humor. So, I haven't felt the need to rein anyone in until now.

    This post is just gross and pointless.

    I hope you do have some news to break on Monday, but this post will cause me to doubt the source.

    So there.

    Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

  • lgw

    Thanks Amber, I'm glad you said it.

    Not that my opinion matters, but these kinds of posts are a real turnoff. I have no doubt you could be getting way more comment traffic if you resisted the urge to past this kind of garbage.

  • modernesquire

    Amber-

    I had nothing to do with this post. I'm still working on writing this post for Monday and nailing down the last few pieces of the puzzle.

    While I don't want to tip my hand, I believe once you read my post on Monday you'll agree that it is adequately sourced to reveal that the public persona that the Kasich campaign has created of their candidate is a total fraud.

  • Adrienne

    Hey,
    It looks like the person who posted the above was trying to discredit you before you could get your story out. Muddying the water so to speak. Looks like you are on the right track because it looks like you hit a nerve.

  • mvirenicus

    when i was a youngun, whenever i saw dorothy hit the tv screen, i referred to her as “dorothy bulltime.” cracked my family up every time i said it and i couldn't understand why. i always liked dorothy when i was a kid. don't know why. good ol' dorothy bulltime.

  • cubejockey

    When I interned at WEWS I was told that if you wanted to piss off one of the video editors there, find some music from the movie “Terms of Endearment”. Every couple months her job was to either update or put in the finishing touches for the final salute.

  • Mary Jo

    I actually get a giggle from the Dorothy posts. Maybe Amber doesn't remember Dorothy?

  • Amber

    Remember Dorothy and Barnaby and Joel Rose.

  • Amber

    Remember Dorothy and Barnaby and Joel Rose.

Looking for something?

Use the form below to search the site:


Still not finding what you're looking for? Drop a comment on a post or contact us so we can take care of it!

Visit our friends!

A few highly recommended friends...

Archives

All entries, chronologically...