The notion of putting guns in the hands of teachers and other school personnel as a means to fight gun violence is quickly gaining traction across the country.  The idea of fighting the danger of guns in schools by putting even more guns in schools by arming the staff members provides a blueprint that we can use to work to solve all of the problems plaguing American schools today.

Teen Sex/Pregnancy

Many different methods have been tried in schools to try to battle the dilemma of teenagers engaging in sex and and young girls getting pregnant as a result.  Increasing sex education, decreasing sex education, distributing condoms, and teaching abstinence-only practices have all been tried and failed to make a significant difference.  Now, the fight guns with guns method tells us that the solution is to fight sex and pregnancy with sex and pregnancy.  We need to get teachers more sexually active and pregnant on a more regular basis to combat this problem among our teens.

But if we wait until high school to start this practice, we will be too late.  As children are becoming more sexually active at younger ages, it’s evidence that teachers at all levels must be engaging in sex more and more often to fight this epidemic.  Fight Sex With Sex posters need to be posted in teacher lounges everywhere!

Drugs/Alcohol Abuse

The problem with substance abuse in our schools has also been a constantly growing problem, even in the face of programs such as D.A.R.E. and Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign.  With the fight guns with guns model as our guide, we can eradicate this problem among our children once and for all.  Fight Drugs with Drugs or Fight Alcohol with Alcohol calls for us to supply our teachers with enough drug and alcohol to put outside suppliers out of business.  When we start to require our teachers to hit the bong between classes and finish a pint or two with lunch, the nation’s students will clearly benefit.  If we have learned anything this week, it’s that we must fight fire with fire by getting our educators completely wasted while providing the principal with enough extra pills and pot to supply all students and staff within the safety of the school building walls that will now be protected by more firepower than the county sheriff’s office.  We can put those neighborhood dealers out of business for good!

LGBT Students/Homosexuality

By adopting a change that is so obvious I can’t believe the conservative GOP hasn’t suggested it before, we can fight the scourge of homosexuality among today’s youth by copying the fight guns with guns model and hiring only gay or lesbian adults to work in our schools.  This policy will be aptly named Fight Gays with Gays.  Honestly, what else can we say about this one?  It practically writes itself, hiring laws be damned.

Poverty

Fight Poverty with Poverty is the obvious theme of working to eliminate the problem of having so many of America’s students living with daily hunger and needing resources that so many elected officials take for granted (i.e., money, food, clothing, consistent shelter, etc.).  The solution here is obvious — reduce the income and benefits of all school employees to a figure below the poverty line.  Interestingly enough, this particular method has been in practice throughout the United States and seemingly has had the opposite effect on poverty among those areas that have implemented it.  You may know this policy by its more common name — Right to Work.

 

These are only a few of the obvious policy changes that we should expect to see proposed by supporters of the Fight Guns with Guns ideas sweeping the country today.  After these policies are fully implemented, the model American teacher will be a hungry, gun-toting, promiscuous, drunk (or stoned & 2x as hungry) homosexual wearing second-hand clothes and eating a free lunch.

And somehow our children will end up being none of those things.

Huh.

Evangelize!
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  • Maureen Reedy

    Simultaneously hilarious and sobering… Greg, you hit it out of the park with this one!

  • http://twitter.com/MadrigalManiac Jeff Parsons

    LaPierre wants to blame mental health. This means every classroom must have an armed trained clinician who at the slightest hint of a DSMIV diagnosis can blow the kid away.

  • wgood

    Your logic is not sound.
    However, let me ask you this. Given a replay opportunity, would you give the staff at Sandy Hook arms?

    This is going to happen again. To believe otherwise is dilusional. When it does happen do you want the staff to try and stop the shooter by throwing books at them or do you want armed marksmen teachers to do their best at protecting lives. You can not allow schools to remain defenseless. Ever wonder why you don’t have maniacs going into police stations shooting? It’s because they are armed and people know it.

  • NMAXXS

    What is delusional is thinking more guns will solve the problem of gun violence. What do you suggest is the end game? Perhaps every single citizen, including children should be packing?

  • anastasjoy

    In order for “armed marksmen teachers” to have ANY shot at “protecting” anyone, their guns would have to be loaded and within arm’s reach at all times in order to attempt (and it would be only an attempt) to neutralize the element of surprise that the attacker always has. A locked-away gun that isn’t loaded would be of less use than having no gun at all. And if the teacher’s attention from being always on guard and ready to shoot was distracted by something else, like teaching, well, there goes any advantage at all. And imagine the scenarios with loaded guns in elementary school classrooms, kindergartens even. You’re looking at hundreds of kids shot by accident — and no determined mass shooters stopped, ever.

    The reason “maniacs” don’t shoot up police stations is that there isn’t much to shoot there. But they certainly are out assassinating safety officers on the streets, where hey actually are. Just happened to some firemen in Pa. this week.

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