Before you get caught up in the endless time-filling media speculation over the 2016 presidential election, I would offer you this guide to understand the narrative leading to the next much-discussed planetary election after the national media nominated Chris Christie as their Republican candidate of choice three full years before the polls reopen. By that fateful moment:
Sarah Palin will have written four more waspish books on how God inspired her to write four more waspish books.
Bill O’Reilly will have written a best-selling trilogy on killing Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette and Anne Boleyn.
Rush Limbaugh will have described 32 feminists as “sluts” while reluctantly apologizing later for including a nun.
PolitiFact confirms in 2015 that John McCain has appeared on Meet the Press more times than program host David Gregory.
Hillary Clinton will finally concede that she was running for election for years the day before she will be sworn in as Obama’s successor.
The Dispatch editorial page will have carried 69 references to Gov. Kasich as presidential timber. The Plain Dealer will have been reduced to two delivery days a week, but never on holidays. Nothing will have changed at the Beacon Journal other than reprinting all of the Dispatch’s op-ed political columnists. For a modestly priced ticket, you will also be able to view the daily paper on a Regal Theater wide screen.
Thanks to John Boehner’s persistent madness, we will have been forced to live through nine more shutdowns to save jobs, specifically his own.
Rural Tea Party congressmen will have discovered that they like Obamacare better than their catch-as-catch-can current livestock health insurance.
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz will have engaged in an ongoing quarrel over whether Barack Obama was born in Kenya or Keenya. Cruz, meantime, will be appearing in a weekly reality show with Kim Kardashian that guarantees him the right to upstage her whenever he feels like it.
The U.S. Supreme Court will have ruled in favor of Republican-inspired voter ID laws requiring DNA tests..
Finally, and most importantly, there will be two more distracting Super Bowls before the 2016 election.
(We promise to update this for the 2020 election)