Columbus Monthly magazine has selected Cindy Stankoski and Vanessa Stout as their persons of the year…
bwahahahaaa!
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From the monthly archives:
December 2008
Seriously. Tripp. Two P’s.
Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston
No word on why they named the kid Tripp. But I just emailed the Alaska Governor’s Office with that question.
Until I hear otherwise, I’m running with the theory that Bristol and Levi named their kid after their favorite brand of jeans, Tripp, sold exclusively at Hot Topic.
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Chip Saltsman wants to be the next Chairman of the Republican National Committee. His big plan to win over the hearts and minds of other Republicans: release a Christmas CD containing the racist song “Barack the Magic Negro.”
I suppose I should be angered by this action, but I’m actually pretty happy about it. I love to see Republican party nutjobs get national press for their extremist views. In only helps convince moderate voters that the GOP has become a party of radical social conservatives.
Speaking of radical social conservatives, Ohio’s own extremist Ken Blackwell actually defended Saltsman. Blackwell, who is running for the Chairman position himself and who also happens to be black, said “there is hypersensitivity in the press regarding matters of race” because of Obama’s election, and he concluded, “All of my competitors for this leadership post are fine people.”
You absolutely have to love the Republican party for self-destructive behavior like this… The black homophobe from Ohio defends the racist hick from Tennessee and both are candidates for the chairmanship of their party.
Man I hope one of them wins.
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Availability is one of the biggest hurdles to becoming an addict. You want to know why so many people are nicotine addicts? Availability is the answer. Cigarettes are available everywhere, 24 hours a day. So addiction is easy and relatively cheap.
Not so much with something like OxyContin, which is a highly controlled, Schedule II narcotic. It might be easy to get your hands on a few pills from your friend after his appendectomy, but if you really want to be an addict you need a stable supply of the stuff.
So when I first read about Track Palin’s OxyContin addiction I was a bit skeptical.
It seemed kind of a stretch to believe that a 17 year old kid, regardless of his family’s political connections, could get his hands on a steady stream of hardcore prescription pain killers.
It turns out it was easier than I expected.
Enter Levi Johnston (and his drug dealing mother).
It looks like Levi Johnston was more than just the local high school hockey star and the father of Bristol (Track’s sister) Palin’s unborn child.
It looks like Levi was the kid you wanted to know if you needed a solid and reliable OxyContin connection at Wasilla High School. I wonder how many of the other kids knew that his awesome connection was actually his own mother?
I guess Wasilla really is one of those real, honest, pro-America small towns that Sarah Palin was talking about.
And I guess these are some of those real Americans. The good and decent folk who love their kids and their country. The Joe-sixpacks and the hockey moms who make this country great (by using their hockey-star sons to sell illegal drugs to the local politician’s kids.)
And here I was thinking the Palins were nothing more than a bunch of oddly named, drug snorting, teen-sex-having, hypocritical Alaskan hillbillies.
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Bristol Palin’s baby was supposedly due on the 18th. Five days overdue now and counting.
Readers have been suggesting names for the new addition to Palin family so I thought I’d post some of them while we wait for more news.
Hanlon suggests Winchester, Grunt, and Shoulderpads. I wish I’d thought of Winchester, that’s a great name!
J-Dog has an extensive list going including Starr (after Ken), Algaem, Naugle, Wurzelbacher or Plumber, Lichen, Liverwort, Lemongrass and Nugent.
Zamboni seems to be the most popular one so far. Followed by Maverick.
Personally, I’m still thinking it’s going to be something biblical (Noah, Jonah, Aaron, Jacob, etc.) unless Levi goes rogue and names the kid after some famous hockey player (e.g. Wayne Gretzky Palin Johnston).
Any other suggestions?
(I really wish Levi still had his myspace page up so I post this on his wall)
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The final IG reports related to Marc Dann are out but I don’t think anyone is really surprised.
Dann misused campaign funds and abused state resources and helped out his friends and family with money and gifts.
It’s still worth reading just to see the extent to which Dann abused the system and his position, but at the end of the day the IG report just confirmed what we already knew: Marc Dann is a sleazy dirtbag who will never, ever, ever hold political office again.
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I keep recording “Huckabee”, Mike Huckabee’s talk show on the Fox News Channel, because it really is comedy gold. There is so much funny stuff in there that I’d like to write about. I really wish I could sit all the way through an episode and record all of the humor for you.
Of course, it isn’t intended to be comedy. But every time I watch it I end up laughing my ass off.
It is really low budget – like one of those day-time talk shows or one of those infomercials you see late at night. It has a studio audience of about 50 people who cheer enthusiastically every time Mike brings his wife out to talk about Jesus or the evil gays or christian home schooling or whatever the topic of the day is.
I really wish I could watch the show all the way through and pick out some really funny things to post about but it is just SO painful to watch.
Yes, it makes me laugh. But it’s like the way I laughed at Borat or the way I laugh when I watch The Office.
It’s the kind of laughter that makes me get up off the couch and walk to the kitchen even though I’m not hungry. It’s uncomfortable laughter. It’s painful laughter. It’s this-is-going-to-be-really-funny-later-but-I-don’t-want-to-watch-it-now laughter.
Eventually I’ll get around to posting some video of this disaster of a show. But for now I’ll just give you one small quote that I just heard that might help you understand why I can’t watch more than a minute or so of this show at a time.
For a little context, the episode was about a. the war on christmas b. some poor, unemployed, good-christian gal who gave Mike her wedding ring as a campaign contribution and c. the auto bail out.
Right before the final musical number, Mike said this:
“Far better than a government bail out is a God bail out… His approach really isn’t a bail out at all. It’s a bail in.”
And then the “band” was introduced. But it wasn’t actually a band at all. Instead it was Mike (on bass) and a bunch of Fox News Employees murdering Chuck Berry’s ‘Run Rudolph Run’. Talk about a war on Christmas!
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I spent the day travelling home from Spokane Washington after a record snowfall hit the Northwest yesterday. A lot of people are going to be sleeping on airport floors tonight and if I believed in a God I’d be thanking her furiously right now for getting me home on time.
Anyway, while spending the whole day travelling I missed a couple of stories that deserved my commentary…
1. Rob Blagojovich and his hair gave a press conference claiming he is innocent and will fight to the end to prove it. Bullshit. I’m taking bets right here and now that this guy will be giving a press conference before the end of January apologizing to his family and the people of Illinois for all of the hurt he caused them.
2. Casey Anthony’s daughter’s remains were foun- blah, blah, blah… who cares? Seriously. If you want to watch sad stories about hillbillies who kill their children please tune in to Nancy Grace on Headline News.
3. Levi Johnston’s mom was arrested on felony drug charges in Wassilla Alaska by the Alaska State Troopers. Bwaaaahhahahahaaa!
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If I ran a bakery and some racist hick called me up asking me to make a birthday cake for his son, whose name just happens to be Adolf Hitler, I would enthusiastically respond, “Absolutely! Would you like all white frosting?”
And when they arrived to pick up their order I would hand them a dark chocolate cake frosted with a big, gay rainbow bearing the words: Happy Bar Mitzvah Adolph Goldstein.
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I literally laughed out loud as I read this on a crowded airplane early this morning:
Mr. Blagojevich, 52, rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, former employees say, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times his preferred black Paul Mitchell hairbrush. He calls the brush “the football,†an allusion to the “nuclear football,†or the bomb codes never to be out of reach of a president.
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Hilarity in Washington State…
Someone made official request to put up a Festivus pole next to the more traditional Menorah and Nativity scene holiday decorations at the state Capitol’s rotunda.
Local religous nutjobs are pissed.
One Pastor got so mad at members of the anti-religion group that made the request he busted out the breakfast food/hell comparisons:
“Hey I believe in Jesus Christ and if you don’t, that’s alright cause you’re gonna fry like a Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage.”
I have already started researching how to make a similiar request in Ohio for next year.
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This may actually be the quote of the year or maybe the decade! Without a doubt the quote of the week though.
But before I show you quote, you need a little background info.
1. The US Auto makers have been doing really poorly lately and are asking for a loan from the US government that must be approved by Congress.
2. David Vitter is a Senator from LA who admitted to having sex with prostitutes after his phone number was discovered on the client list of the ‘DC madame’ last year. He’s recently been seen on TV railing against the bailout package for the auto industry.
3. Morgan Johnson is the president of the United Auto Workers local union in Shreveport. He represents General Motors workers in LA.
Got it?
Ok.
“I don’t know what Sen. Vitter has against GM or the United Auto Workers or the entire domestic auto industry; whatever it is, whatever he thinks we’ve done, it’s time for him to forgive us, just like Sen. Vitter has asked the citizens of Louisiana to forgive him, ” said Johnson, president of Local 2166. Otherwise, Johnson said of Vitter, it would appear, “He’d rather pay a prostitute than pay auto workers.”
OUCH!
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Reading Hanlon always gets me thinking.
This random thought really got me wondering…
How is it that President Bush pushed congress to approve one trillion dollars for a bail out of the financial services industry but he vetoed a bill to provide health care to 4 million American children that would cost only $7 billion a year over the next 5 years?
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I caught a lot of shit for suggesting that Sarah Palin faked her pregnancy to cover up her daughter’s pregnancy.
Though the Palins never admitted to that, they were forced to reveal that Bristol Palin was pregnant.
At the time they said the baby was due Dec. 18.
I figured they would come up with some excuse as the date approached, but so far nothing.
But you betcha I’m going to follow up on this.
One week to go.
Anyone want to guess the boy’s name?
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